Review of Christina (Review)
Monday, 18th December 2006, 02:01

Introduction
Nothing to do with Stephen King or a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Christina is a strictly softcore romp from 1984 (copyright Leeds Film Accounting Services Ltd.) based on a series of overblown 1980s erotic novels by Blakely St James. The movie includes a promise (or should that be warning?) that following adaptations of the Christina novels are on the way. Fortunately the movie's box office returns must have put paid to that idea, as we have been spared any sequels.

There is much nudity and a modest amount of soft focus bonking in this wannabe-Penthouse movie (which is ironic considering Playboy are putting their name to the title.) I say wannabe-Penthouse as the picture is shot in that three-layers-of-silk-stockings-over-the-lens style beloved of eighties pornographers. Originally titled "Christina y la reconversión sexual" and directed by Paco Lara, the movie is anything but explicit, and the most erotic scene is one where one girl runs a model tank (Chieftain, not Goldfish) over our heroine's naked bod.

The screenplay, such as it is, is written by Peter Welbeck – a nom-de-plume of Executive Producer and Hammer director Harry Alan Towers. The money, most of the cast and technical crew of the picture are Spanish, so the picture features pretty appalling dubbing. The crew has attempted to make the movie look glossy and expensive by use of locations and props such as fast cars and speedboats, but the lacklustre photography and bad acting only go to underline just how cheap the movie was made.

The movie is consistently cut in the UK to remove between 11 seconds and 3 minutes of material. This latest cut of the movie loses the least footage (11 seconds) to remove the sight of an 'orse's 'ead being apparently hit by a motorcycle, and in line with the Cinematograph Films (Animals) Act 1937. Previous cuts were to excise naughty bits from the field of view, which would have made this movie about as erotic as an episode of Andy Pandy.

Jewel Shepard as Christina is a photogenic young lady with a singular inability or desire to remain completely clothed. She's no great shakes as an actress, but when she does shake (as she does at the beginning of the movie in a cheesy disco sequences) all the bits that should wobble do so very pleasingly. She spends much of the movie in a state of undress, either in the company of males who have saved her from trouble, or the gang of lesbian terrorists who kidnap her at one point and try to get her to join their numbers.

Just an idea of how erotic this picture is, I caught myself pausing the movie just before the end titles to peer at the Canon Typestar that Christina is typing her latest novel on. I used to have one of those things and it was useless (typed on thermal fax roll which was as rare as chicken lips around here back in the early 1980s).

This movie should not be confused with the Joe D'Amato movie Christina (Voglia di Guardare/ Midnight Gigolo), an Italian picture with a suspiciously similar plot.

Video
The movie is presented in 4:3, although the closing shot of Christina sprawled on a bed typing seems to be anamorphically squashed. The shot isn't flagged as widescreen, so what is going on isn't clear. Picture quality is poor, the image is contrasty and very grainy. The movie was either shot on 16mm (the IMDb is no help) or this release is sourced from a bad 16mm print. I have a feeling – although I can't confirm it – that the 16mm print was telecined in the US and this is a standards conversion from NTSC to PAL as well.



Audio
Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono and about as bad as a mono soundtrack can possibly get.



Features
Trailers for the movies in the Playboy Cinema range. No way of selecting what you want, they just roll one after another when you hit the option on the menu.



Conclusion
Oh dear oh dear oh dear. You know that thing about nostalgia – not going back to revisit your youth because you're bound to be disappointed. Well, as much as it applies to old tv shows, it also appears to smutty movies from your formative years. Christina was made in the days when I was a mucky minded young man. I fondly remember the sort of coy erotica circulating in the 1980s, and the impression it made on an impressionable young chap.

Time, however, has moved on and a lot of water has been passed… Christina has not aged well. What seemed glossy and erotic turns out to be coy, tawdry and tacky. What were fond memories turn into disappointment. Never revisit your sex life – it's more depressing than your current one.